Surgeries - Palate & Ear Tube Replacement

A quick update on Ryder's upcoming palate surgery. We met with Ryder's plastic surgeon a few weeks ago and he'd like to wait until Ryder's closer to 14 months of age to schedule the surgery. Which pushes the date back to late August/early Septemeber as opposed to sometime in July. His doctor wants Ryder to be a little bit older because his missing palate gaps are quite large and the recovery will be pretty intense. As of now, we will be in the hospital for 2-3 nights and recovery is 8-12 weeks with 1-2 weeks of syringe feeding. A fellow cleft mom's son just had his palate repaired and here are some recovery photos she gave me permission to share. This is 5 days post surgery and the white stuff is a part of the healing. This particular baby had a unilateral cleft (one side of his palate) and Ryder has a bilateral cleft (both sides of his palate). 

I am not looking forward to this upcoming surgery and it hangs over my head like a dark cloud but I have to remind myself of how far we've come over this past year! 

With regards to ear concerns, Ryder needs to have his ear tubes replaced pretty soon because of continuous ear infections and blood drainage - which isn't fun for anyone! Our hearts hurt to see him in so much pain and discomfort, he hardly sleeps or eats and is super-fussy when his ears are acting up. We met with Ryder's ENT on Thursday and since Ryder's ears seem to be clear, for the time being, we are going to wait another couple of weeks (basically until his next ear infection) and then schedule a surgery date.  As always, asking for continued prayers, patience and strength as we continue on this journey. 

"Before you were in your mother's womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart."  Jeremiah 1:5

1 is almost here!

Ryder turns one in 12 days! I cannot believe it! What a journey and adventure this first year has been - although there were many ups, downs, smiles and tears, I wouldn't change a single day of it....well ok, I could have done without the surgeries....

Here are some pics of our growing stud of a baby! 

Photo overload has now begun....

Ryder received his very first birthday card in the mail today! Birthday mode is officially in full swing!

Saying Goodbye to Baby December

It was a Monday evening and mom had been over all weekend to help with Ryder, cook, clean and make sure we ate. Oh my mom is truly a God-send. Here she was, just finishing 6 months of chemotherapy, her body weak and bruised, barely any energy to shower and get dressed let alone take care of us. But she was taking care of HER baby with any stregnth she could muster up. Only the heart of a momma could do that...how I love her! 

Most of the day had been filled with crying, cramping, running back and forth to the bathroom, changing clothes a few times, more cramping, laying in bed, moments of denial (maybe doctors are wrong), bitterness, anger, more crying, replaying all of the things I could have done differently in my head, blaming myself for these "not so perfect" pregnancies, thinking I was somehow broken and maybe it's my fault that my pregnancies have been rough, wondering if we would ever experience those joyous 9 months that we sew everyone else experiencing, more sobbing etc., 

My dad had arrived after work, around 6pm to pick mom up and take her home. We finished dinner around 7pm and they were getting ready to leave. Towards the end of dinner, I excused myself from the table because I felt super-intense cramping and I went upstairs to use the restroom and that's when it really started....

I had been filling pads with blood clots all day and as I sat on the toilet I could feel the clots continue but this time with sharp pains. Really sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I could almost time them - every 4 to 5 minutes. I just sat there on the toilet because every time I moved I felt like the pain got worse. I finally got up to tell my husband that I couldn't say goodbye to my parents because my stomach was really hurting. After about an hour on the toilet I had to get up because my legs had fallen asleep. I curled up into a ball and laid on the floor of my bedroom. Now the pain was happening every 2 to 3 minutes. I knew what they were by this time, I had felt them before...contractions. My husband came in, found me on the floor and I asked him to grab me a towel to put underneath me. I was bleeding but couldn't sit on that toilet any longer and at this point, I didn't care what or where this was happening, I just wanted it to end. My husband just held me, rubbed my back and let me squeeze his hand with every contraction that came.  I was crying/moaning with agony every 1 to 2 minutes - you could time them to the second. These contractions were horrible and my entire body would clench through the pain. I had a c-section with Ryder so I hadn't actually experienced labor but had enough contractions, prior to my epidural, to know the pain. A part of me wanted to rush to the ER, wanted to call my doctor and say "something is wrong! This is WAY too painful" as my husband laid with me on the floor he was googling "miscarriages" trying to find some way to help. I had NEVER been in this much pain before and he knew it.  I'd like to think that I can handle pain pretty decently. My c-section recovery wasn't fun but I wouldn't say it was horrible. Broke my foot in high school but walked on it for about an hour before I decided to head to the nurses office. I also was that girl who told my dentist to pull all 4 impacted wisdom teeth at once because I didn't want to have to go through this a second time.  I've experienced pain but this was NOTHING like I had ever felt or imagined.  I remember practically screaming "come on baby, just come on out! I'm ready to say goodbye." The contractions would start at the top of my stomach and work it's way down my body. I could feel every muscle tighten, squeezing what felt like every organ in my body. I tried laying, sitting, curling, squatting, hunching....any position. As soon as the contractions came I would freeze in that position for 10 to 15 seconds until my body started to relax and I would try to find a more comfortable position before the next one started. I remember telling my husband "I am so glad I had a c-section with Ryder because this is the worst pain ever!" The accolades I give every woman who has gone through actual labor! My hat's off to you. I thought to myself - my baby is so small, only 8 weeks, imagine doing this at 9 months?!?! 

Every 30 minutes or so I would crawl to the bathroom to change my pad and try sitting on the toilet. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next but if the baby was going to come out, I did not want to happen on the floor of my bedroom. After about 4 hours, I was finally able to lay on my side, slightly curled and around 11:15pm I was able to shut my eyes and fall asleep. I was exhausted! My husband and I both fell asleep, on the floor, until about 3am when it all started again. It lasted for another 2 hours.  Back and forth to the restroom I crawled waiting to see the baby, a large blood clot, something to tell us that the miscarriage was coming to an end. I knew at 8 weeks pregnant the baby would be large enough to notice when it passed.  Around 5:30am we were able to fall asleep again and around 7am I was able to stand up and walk to the restroom to change the towels which by now, had a significant amount of blood on them. The pain had subsided, and on a level of 1 to 10, I was about a 5....which I would take because I had felt a 9 only hours before (had they reached a 10 I would have made my husband drive me to the ER which I'm not going to lie - there were moments where I was on the verge of doing so).  

By 9am Tuesday morning I was able to walk around the house doing minimal things - like pour myself a cup of coffee or sit on the couch. The pain had mostly subsided by this time and I was slightly disappointed. I knew I hadn't passed the baby and I didn't want to have to deal with more contractions. I thought maybe my body had tried to pass the baby but for some reason it wouldn't let the process fully happen. Mentally and emotionally I was ready to say goodbye, but physically my body wasn't.  I was anxious and nervous for what was going to happen next. Would I need a D&C after all? How much longer is this going to go on? I had been carrying a baby, with no heartbeat, for almost 10 days now and I was so mentally, emotionally and now physically exhausted that I just wanted this all to end. 

Finally at 10:30am, on Tuesday May 20, 2014, I felt like I had to push. Like I had to go to the bathroom (number 2) and as I ran to the bathroom, the second I sat, I felt this huge WOOSH. I knew what had just happened - it was finally time to meet and say goodbye to baby December. I had passed a clot about the size of a large lemon and baby December was about the size of a raspberry. I could see the baby because he/she was a white see-through-ish color and looks exactly like the photos do on the "what to expect" app. (It's crazy how accurate those photos are)  I could make out our baby's tiny little head, body, stubby arms and legs.  It was a surreal moment and one I pray to never experience again! I called my husband, let him know what had just happened and after a wave of tears, heartache and emotion, we said goodbye to baby December....our baby December.  

Another Roller Coaster - Part 3

I will premise this posting by warning that some of the details in these next couple of posts might be "too much information"....I'll apologize in advance for any "visuals" you might get while reading. 

It was the morning of May 14th, woke up, went to the restroom and when I wiped I noticed a streak of blood. It was bright red blood and kind of a lot of it. I immediately started to freak. Called my husband and said "I'm bleeding" and he knew it was bad by the look on my face. I had been seeing blood for the past couple weeks but this time it was different and I knew it. Later that day I spoke with my doctor and he said that recent bloodwork showed that my hcg levels were tapering off and no longer increasing like they should be doing at almost 9 weeks pregnant. That coupled with the continuous amount of blood I was seeing was pretty much guaranteeing that I was miscarrying. He said those exact words and told me to expect a full miscarriage within the next couple of days. My heart immediately sank and I was ready to burst into tears, but for some reason couldn't. I didn't fully believe him (my heart did but my mind didn't want to). Couldn't he somehow save the baby? How did those words roll off his tongue so easily and why isn't he doing something about this?!?! I asked for an ultrasound, he replied it wasn't necessary. I said I didn't care. I wanted one ASAP. 

Later that afternoon I went in for another ultrasound (the bleeding had stopped by this time). And this ultrasound was with a different technician. She did not allow my husband in the room nor did she divulge any information. She was very straight forward and said my bleeding was nature's way of passing the baby. Uh thanks for the explanation lady!

The next day the ultrasound results were in and my doctor called me into his office to deliver the news in person (which is never a good sign).  The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. The baby measured at 8 weeks which meant he/she had passed almost a week ago.  I just sat there on the patients chair listening to him explain everything but not really listening at the same time. I could hear him but it sounded like he was a mile away. It was like background noise as I stared off into space thinking "is this really happening? How could I still be carrying a baby but the baby wasn't  alive anymore? Shouldn't there be more bleeding if I'm miscarrying? Maybe he's wrong?" I could hear him explaining what to expect over the next couple of days, why this may have happened, how common miscarriages are, what a D&C consists of, how long I should let my body go before I schedule a D&C etc., none of what he said really mattered. It wouldn't change things. What a roller coaster this had already been for the past two weeks and now it finally comes to a stop and this was the result?!?! Why did I have to go through this just to miscarry? Bed rest, progesterone suppositories, several ultrasounds, worrying, crying my eyes out all hours of the night, more bed rest, blah, blah, blah all this to miscarry? What the heck!!! 

That car ride back was filled with tears and silence. It was a Friday morning and my doctor said that he would give me the weekend to see what happens but a D&C was scheduled for Tuesday morning. He said I could miscarry over the weekend or sometimes it takes women weeks to miscarry. Not only is that emotionally painful but he couldn't necessarily tell me what exactly to expect during my miscarriage. He said every one is different and either way, some cramping and bleeding would be involved and I could take Advil/ibuprofen for the pain. 

When we pulled into the driveway I remember thinking "now what do we do?" My husband had to go into work for a few hours, my mom was over to encourage and love us through this time but really, there was nothing anyone could do or say to help. It just didn't feel real. Here I was, supposed to be starting my 10th week of pregnancy, my clothes were snug, I was bloated, my boobs hurt, I had zero energy but I wasn't really pregnant - well I was.....but I wasn't.

That weekend was one of the longest weekends of my life. Reminded me of the year before, when I was pregnant with Ryder, and we were waiting for test results on his chromosomes and if there were any defects. It's the WORST feeling to just sit around waiting, knowing there is absolutely NOTHING you can do for your child....your baby. Dead or alive that was still our baby I was carrying.  Neither one of us slept that weekend, we'd both just lay in bed and cry, thinking of what was actually happening. Every time I'd go to the restroom I would hope to see blood so I knew my body was starting the process - how quickly things can change - just a week before I would freak if I saw blood and now that's all I wanted to see. 

We walked the Mission Viejo mall for 4-5 hours that Saturday afternoon. Something about not being home kept our minds occupied. We walked in big circles for hours and noticed every pregnant woman and newborn baby walk by. We wouldn't say anything to eachother but we both knew what eachother was thinking. 

That Sunday we went to a friend's birthday party. We tried to keep things as "normal" as possible but what was normal when you were carrying a deceased baby in your tummy? How is it that life can go on "play" when our hearts were stuck on "pause?"

With every hour that passed, I knew my D&C was that much closer and I did not want a D&C, but I also wanted this chapter to close. It was emotionally draining to be in this situation. The emotional pain outweighed any physical pain I felt (which was none at this point) but Sunday night I started to see clots of blood and I knew it was finally happening - I was relieved.  

Monday morning pre-op nurses called to go over Tuesdays D&C procedure but I told them I thought my body was already starting to miscarry. Spoke with my OBGYN and told him and we cancelled the next days D&C.  I was bleeding, slightly cramping but nothing too traumatic. I kind of expected this huge gush of blood and me being hunched over the toilet or something. Wasn't there supposed to be this pool of blood all over my nightgown and my hands? It wasn't at all what I expected but little did I know that was just the beginning of a horrifying next 24 hours....

Another Roller Coaster - Part 2

I was officially pregnant! Doctor appointments were in full swing as well as my intake of folic acid, prenatal vitamins and morning sickness. I had no nausea throughout my first pregnancy but this was an entirely different story (I'm convinced it was a precious girl). About 6 weeks into my pregnancy I started to have some spotting. I immediately called my doctor who reassured me that spotting could be totally normal throughout the first trimester but wanted me to continue with my hcg bloodwork to confirm my numbers were still increasing. Up until now my hcg numbers had been steadily increasing (doubling every couple of days as they should be). I remember going in on a Friday morning and retaking bloodwork that Monday. My hcg had gone from 7,057 to 7,228 over the weekend (which was not a good sign). About that time is when I started spotting - doctor was concerned so had me go in for another ultrasound to make sure this was a viable pregnancy. He prepared me for ectopic or "chemical" pregnancy because he said my hcg numbers were almost too low and that combined with spotting and my numbers not doubling made him think this pregnancy was not viable - he didn't exactly tell me those words but he didn't have to...he had said enough. 

I had already prepared myself for the worst - not a viable pregnancy. My husband came home early that day to go with me me to my appointment, I was in tears all morning! Mom was watching Ryder Jeremiah and was encouraging me as only a mother can. Without saying a word she knew how to soothe my aching soul. My ultrasound was scheduled for 1:30pm. Seems like 1:30pm took forever to get here. I already knew the ultrasound drill - drink 32oz of water an hour before your appointment. Pretty sure I overdid it on the water because I felt like a walking water balloon by 1pm and my bladder was ready to give way with every step I took. 

1:30pm rolled around and as the ultrasound technician took me back she asked my husband to stay in the waiting room. As she began the ultrasound, I laid there crying my eyes out. I was already an emotional wreck. It just HAD to be a viable pregnancy - my hormones were already skyrocketing! About 15-20 minutes into the ultrasound she pointed to the screen (because she's a technician she's not really allowed to give me information because a radiologist has to "translate" the ultrasound). Pretty certain she felt sorry for me so she pointed to the screen and that's when I saw the most beautiful flickering thing I had ever seen - our baby's heartbeat! Instantly my heart doubled in size and I just knew this baby was going to prove doctors wrong. Hcg numbers? Spotting? Cramping? That's got nothing on our baby! I continued to sob again but this time happy tears as I whispered Jeremiah 1:5 "before you were in your mothers womb I knew you, before you were born, I set you apart." Shortly after that, my husband joined me in the ultrasound room and the technician showed him our baby's heartbeat. We both wanted to burst out into happy tears (we technically did at our lunch following that appointment). 

That ultrasound confirmed that we had a strong heartbeat and growing baby measuring at about 6 weeks and 2 days.  which set my due date for December 23. I couldn't wait for Christmas time (not that this differs from any other year), but this Christmas would be extra special. A special Stocking baby for the Stocking family! 

The next morning I met with my OBGYN and he told me how surprised he was that the ultrasound not only showed a viable pregnancy but a strong heartbeat. He immediately put me on progesterone suppositories as well as bed rest any time I was spotting. I was told to "take it easy" (which isn't very easy when you have a 9 month old). I went out and bought Ryder a "big brother" shirt and was already putting together some final ideas for the pregnancy announcements. 

Well the two weeks that followed this very exciting time of our lives were filled with more ups and downs of the pregnancy. My doctor continued to monitor my hcg levels which continued to not increase as they should. I had another ultrasound to confirm the baby was growing and yet again, everything looked fine. Two weeks filled with more spotting, bed rest, cramping but we had already reached 8 weeks. I was 2/3 out of my first trimester - I counted every day, hour, minute. I was almost there! My second trimester. I had read statistics on miscarriages after a heartbeat had been identified and 90-95% of pregnancies made it to full term. I was also looking up stats on miscarrying after 8 weeks - the chances of it happening was less than 5%. I was consumed with googling miscarriages, signs of miscarriages and birth statistics.  Considering the odds of our first baby's cleft there was just NO way I would miscarry this baby. After all we had been through with Ryder J, this was the baby that was going to fulfill all those desires we had! Sure it was starting off a little rough but that's fine, Ryder's pregnancy started off perfect and ended rough so maybe this would be the exact opposite.

And then came the morning of Wednesday, May 14th ....

Another Roller Coaster - Part 1

I am now just able to write about my experience from 14 days ago. It’s delayed I know, but I had my own grief and mixed emotions to deal with about this time. This is a reflection into the world of what some women, a lot of women, too many women, have had to endure. This isn’t about feeling bitter or sorry for myself but just sharing the actual experience with others who may not truly know or understand.  My experience is unique and I know each miscarriage experience is different but this is my story, my journey - one I pray to never walk again. 

April 10 - I was "late" and I just knew I was pregnant. I had taken pregnancy tests for 3 days now and each one came back negative - those liars! I knew I was pregnant. I wonder why I pay so much for those pee sticks that aren't even accurate. I should just go off of my mommy intuition. 

At exactly 4:38am on April 10 I woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom for that "morning pee." That fancy digital pregnancy test started to blink and blink. I sat there....just staring, nervous, anxious, looking away, then glancing back over (somehow I needed the words "pregnant" on a $10 stick to validate something I already knew). Finally at 4:40am it read "Pregnant 1-2 weeks." I knew I was exactly 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant....once again - liar!  

Immediately after confirming the news, I got down on my knees of our bathroom floor and begin to pray. Thanking God for our baby and giving our baby back to Him - just like I had done with our precious Ryder Jeremiah approximately 17 months before. I repeated Jeremiah 1:5 over and over in my head that morning. 

My husband was sleeping at the time (along with most of Southern California) and it took every ounce of me to not run in, jump on him and scream "we're pregnant." Instead I laid there for 2 long hours and 5 minutes dreaming up names, nursery themes, double strollers, pregnancy announcements, googling ideas on Etsty, Pinterest, etc. I thought of waiting to tell him after he got home from work. I could tell him in some cute way, like I had successfully done when we were pregnant with Ryder, but there was absolutely NO way I could wait that long. I was already bursting at the pregnancy seams (figuratively not literally.....ok so I had already gained 5lbs but I was pregnant).  Finally at 6:45am he woke up and I casually pretended that I had been waking up too. We got up, went to grab our Ryder Jeremiah from his crib to give him his breakfast bottle.  As Ryan was feeding him I grabbed the positive pregnancy test from inbetween our bed mattresses and said "would you like to go celebrate after work tonight?" as I handed him the test. Both of our hearts leaped with joy as our faces grew the biggest smiles! It was happening! A second pregnancy, a second chance and this time everything would go perfect! No emotional roller coaster, no genetic testing, amnio or horrifying news, I would get to experience skin to skin after birth, have no NICU stay and get to leave the hospital WITH my baby - this would be it! Everything that was stollen from us from our first pregnancy would finally come to fruition....or so we thought.

At 8am I immediately called my OBGYN. I had to get in ASAP for a folic acid prescription. Although they don't know the exact cause of Ryder's cleft, studies have shown that 4mg of folic acid daily, while pregnant, might reduce the chances of future children being cleft affected. My appointment was scheduled for 9:15am that morning. I saw my OBGYN was put on folic acid and even had an ultrasound to confirm the size of the baby and to make sure all was progressing normally. Little did we know that was the start of another emotional roller coaster we had so hoped to never ride again...

What to Expect...

What to expect when you're no longer expecting. I wish there was some sort of book, manual, instruction guide with to how to cope with the loss of a baby. I had a follow up ultrasound today, followed by an appointment with my OB and another round of bloodwork. I'm no longer pregnant but seem to have more appointments now than when I was expecting. 

During today's follow up ultrasound I was able to get pictures of "baby December". The pictures are from April 30th. My doctor was convinced back then that my pregnancy wasn't viable, but baby December proved him wrong. Measuring at about 7 weeks and with a strong heartbeat baby December was swimming all around. Oh how precious these photos are to me. God knew I needed them. 

Tomorrow would have been 12 weeks. Tomorrow would have been the day we could tell the whole world "Ryder's being promoted to big brother." In my heart he's still a big brother and one day he'll get to meet his baby sibling on those streets of gold. Oh how wonderful that day will be!