Another Roller Coaster - Part 1

I am now just able to write about my experience from 14 days ago. It’s delayed I know, but I had my own grief and mixed emotions to deal with about this time. This is a reflection into the world of what some women, a lot of women, too many women, have had to endure. This isn’t about feeling bitter or sorry for myself but just sharing the actual experience with others who may not truly know or understand.  My experience is unique and I know each miscarriage experience is different but this is my story, my journey - one I pray to never walk again. 

April 10 - I was "late" and I just knew I was pregnant. I had taken pregnancy tests for 3 days now and each one came back negative - those liars! I knew I was pregnant. I wonder why I pay so much for those pee sticks that aren't even accurate. I should just go off of my mommy intuition. 

At exactly 4:38am on April 10 I woke up and immediately ran to the bathroom for that "morning pee." That fancy digital pregnancy test started to blink and blink. I sat there....just staring, nervous, anxious, looking away, then glancing back over (somehow I needed the words "pregnant" on a $10 stick to validate something I already knew). Finally at 4:40am it read "Pregnant 1-2 weeks." I knew I was exactly 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant....once again - liar!  

Immediately after confirming the news, I got down on my knees of our bathroom floor and begin to pray. Thanking God for our baby and giving our baby back to Him - just like I had done with our precious Ryder Jeremiah approximately 17 months before. I repeated Jeremiah 1:5 over and over in my head that morning. 

My husband was sleeping at the time (along with most of Southern California) and it took every ounce of me to not run in, jump on him and scream "we're pregnant." Instead I laid there for 2 long hours and 5 minutes dreaming up names, nursery themes, double strollers, pregnancy announcements, googling ideas on Etsty, Pinterest, etc. I thought of waiting to tell him after he got home from work. I could tell him in some cute way, like I had successfully done when we were pregnant with Ryder, but there was absolutely NO way I could wait that long. I was already bursting at the pregnancy seams (figuratively not literally.....ok so I had already gained 5lbs but I was pregnant).  Finally at 6:45am he woke up and I casually pretended that I had been waking up too. We got up, went to grab our Ryder Jeremiah from his crib to give him his breakfast bottle.  As Ryan was feeding him I grabbed the positive pregnancy test from inbetween our bed mattresses and said "would you like to go celebrate after work tonight?" as I handed him the test. Both of our hearts leaped with joy as our faces grew the biggest smiles! It was happening! A second pregnancy, a second chance and this time everything would go perfect! No emotional roller coaster, no genetic testing, amnio or horrifying news, I would get to experience skin to skin after birth, have no NICU stay and get to leave the hospital WITH my baby - this would be it! Everything that was stollen from us from our first pregnancy would finally come to fruition....or so we thought.

At 8am I immediately called my OBGYN. I had to get in ASAP for a folic acid prescription. Although they don't know the exact cause of Ryder's cleft, studies have shown that 4mg of folic acid daily, while pregnant, might reduce the chances of future children being cleft affected. My appointment was scheduled for 9:15am that morning. I saw my OBGYN was put on folic acid and even had an ultrasound to confirm the size of the baby and to make sure all was progressing normally. Little did we know that was the start of another emotional roller coaster we had so hoped to never ride again...