Most of the day had been filled with crying, cramping, running back and forth to the bathroom, changing clothes a few times, more cramping, laying in bed, moments of denial (maybe doctors are wrong), bitterness, anger, more crying, replaying all of the things I could have done differently in my head, blaming myself for these "not so perfect" pregnancies, thinking I was somehow broken and maybe it's my fault that my pregnancies have been rough, wondering if we would ever experience those joyous 9 months that we sew everyone else experiencing, more sobbing etc.,
My dad had arrived after work, around 6pm to pick mom up and take her home. We finished dinner around 7pm and they were getting ready to leave. Towards the end of dinner, I excused myself from the table because I felt super-intense cramping and I went upstairs to use the restroom and that's when it really started....
I had been filling pads with blood clots all day and as I sat on the toilet I could feel the clots continue but this time with sharp pains. Really sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I could almost time them - every 4 to 5 minutes. I just sat there on the toilet because every time I moved I felt like the pain got worse. I finally got up to tell my husband that I couldn't say goodbye to my parents because my stomach was really hurting. After about an hour on the toilet I had to get up because my legs had fallen asleep. I curled up into a ball and laid on the floor of my bedroom. Now the pain was happening every 2 to 3 minutes. I knew what they were by this time, I had felt them before...contractions. My husband came in, found me on the floor and I asked him to grab me a towel to put underneath me. I was bleeding but couldn't sit on that toilet any longer and at this point, I didn't care what or where this was happening, I just wanted it to end. My husband just held me, rubbed my back and let me squeeze his hand with every contraction that came. I was crying/moaning with agony every 1 to 2 minutes - you could time them to the second. These contractions were horrible and my entire body would clench through the pain. I had a c-section with Ryder so I hadn't actually experienced labor but had enough contractions, prior to my epidural, to know the pain. A part of me wanted to rush to the ER, wanted to call my doctor and say "something is wrong! This is WAY too painful" as my husband laid with me on the floor he was googling "miscarriages" trying to find some way to help. I had NEVER been in this much pain before and he knew it. I'd like to think that I can handle pain pretty decently. My c-section recovery wasn't fun but I wouldn't say it was horrible. Broke my foot in high school but walked on it for about an hour before I decided to head to the nurses office. I also was that girl who told my dentist to pull all 4 impacted wisdom teeth at once because I didn't want to have to go through this a second time. I've experienced pain but this was NOTHING like I had ever felt or imagined. I remember practically screaming "come on baby, just come on out! I'm ready to say goodbye." The contractions would start at the top of my stomach and work it's way down my body. I could feel every muscle tighten, squeezing what felt like every organ in my body. I tried laying, sitting, curling, squatting, hunching....any position. As soon as the contractions came I would freeze in that position for 10 to 15 seconds until my body started to relax and I would try to find a more comfortable position before the next one started. I remember telling my husband "I am so glad I had a c-section with Ryder because this is the worst pain ever!" The accolades I give every woman who has gone through actual labor! My hat's off to you. I thought to myself - my baby is so small, only 8 weeks, imagine doing this at 9 months?!?!
Every 30 minutes or so I would crawl to the bathroom to change my pad and try sitting on the toilet. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next but if the baby was going to come out, I did not want to happen on the floor of my bedroom. After about 4 hours, I was finally able to lay on my side, slightly curled and around 11:15pm I was able to shut my eyes and fall asleep. I was exhausted! My husband and I both fell asleep, on the floor, until about 3am when it all started again. It lasted for another 2 hours. Back and forth to the restroom I crawled waiting to see the baby, a large blood clot, something to tell us that the miscarriage was coming to an end. I knew at 8 weeks pregnant the baby would be large enough to notice when it passed. Around 5:30am we were able to fall asleep again and around 7am I was able to stand up and walk to the restroom to change the towels which by now, had a significant amount of blood on them. The pain had subsided, and on a level of 1 to 10, I was about a 5....which I would take because I had felt a 9 only hours before (had they reached a 10 I would have made my husband drive me to the ER which I'm not going to lie - there were moments where I was on the verge of doing so).
By 9am Tuesday morning I was able to walk around the house doing minimal things - like pour myself a cup of coffee or sit on the couch. The pain had mostly subsided by this time and I was slightly disappointed. I knew I hadn't passed the baby and I didn't want to have to deal with more contractions. I thought maybe my body had tried to pass the baby but for some reason it wouldn't let the process fully happen. Mentally and emotionally I was ready to say goodbye, but physically my body wasn't. I was anxious and nervous for what was going to happen next. Would I need a D&C after all? How much longer is this going to go on? I had been carrying a baby, with no heartbeat, for almost 10 days now and I was so mentally, emotionally and now physically exhausted that I just wanted this all to end.
Finally at 10:30am, on Tuesday May 20, 2014, I felt like I had to push. Like I had to go to the bathroom (number 2) and as I ran to the bathroom, the second I sat, I felt this huge WOOSH. I knew what had just happened - it was finally time to meet and say goodbye to baby December. I had passed a clot about the size of a large lemon and baby December was about the size of a raspberry. I could see the baby because he/she was a white see-through-ish color and looks exactly like the photos do on the "what to expect" app. (It's crazy how accurate those photos are) I could make out our baby's tiny little head, body, stubby arms and legs. It was a surreal moment and one I pray to never experience again! I called my husband, let him know what had just happened and after a wave of tears, heartache and emotion, we said goodbye to baby December....our baby December.
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