Throughout 2014 I have chosen Joy! I've had to, I wanted to, I needed to. Thoughts of you have flooded my mind this week, all month really, but more specifically this week. December 17, 2014 was your original due date. I still think it would have been your birthday even though they had said it was December 23. Regardless you would have been born this week because at 39 weeks you would have entered this world via c-section. Your daddy and I don't talk about you too much because those conversations usually start and end with tears. Sometimes I think I'm alone in my thoughts of grieving you, I wonder if you cross anyone else's mind like you constantly do mine - especially this holiday season.
Last night, your daddy came home with a birthday cake for you. He walked in from work....kind of quietly. I didn't expect him home so early because he normally plays soccer on Tuesday nights. I knew something was wrong the minute I looked at his face and saw tears in his eyes. I immediately started to cry as I saw what he was carrying. He was holding a mini-birthday cake as well as two lemons from your special lemon tree we planted when we found out we were expecting on April 10. The tree just started to bloom lemons this month. Coincidence? I think not!
Daddy went upstairs to change as I sat holding your lemons, looking at your cake and weeping. Here I was thinking I was alone in my grief when daddy was out getting you a birthday cake and picking the first two lemons from your tree. Daddy needed a few minutes to himself and I understood that. When he came back downstairs we cried together, talked about you, discussed how different our lives would have been, especially this month, if you were still with us. We talked about when, how and why we are still hurting. How baby Joy wouldn't be with us had we not gone through losing you in May. We discussed hearing your heartbeat and seeing you on the ultrasound screen. We talked about the 8 weeks you were actually with us and the 10 weeks you were only physically with us. We discussed what we've learned, how we are better parents for having you and the joy in meeting you in heaven one day! After several minutes of tears and reminiscing, we internally sang happy birthday (I don't think either of us could have made it through the song had we sang it aloud) and enjoyed your cake; it was lemon cheesecake to be exact. We sat together on the couch, celebrated you and your precious life all while choosing to experience JOY over heartbreak! Happy birthday baby December! 
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