I'll Always Wonder

I'll always wonder who you would have been. Who you would have looked like. How your little personality would have developed. What kind of interests you would have. How close you would have been to your big brother Ryder who would have been only 17 months older than you. 

In honor of December, your birth month, I am choosing JOY to celebrate your life! You are the inspiration behind your baby sister's name and the impact you have had on my heart is life changing.  I think about you Every. Single. Day. With every Christmas tree, twinkling lights and stocking I see hung, I see your baby fingerprints all over them and I choose to be filled with joy!  Albeit, many days it's a challenge. I should be getting ready to give birth this month. I even have a couple of items that I still see hung in your brother's closet.  I bought them out of faith for your life.  Faith that you were going to make it after we heard your beating heart. 

I became pregnant for the third time 3 months after we said "goodbye" to you - which was in May. 3 months later I was pregnant with a baby whose due date was in May. Coincidence? I think absolutely not! My new pregnancy didn't make me any less sad, didn't make me think about you any less and it definitely didn't replace you.  It actually did quite the exact opposite. It made me tend to ditatch myself from getting close to someone I was so afraid of losing.  To experience the heartbreak all over again and to emotionally break was something I  was so afraid of. 

But instead of letting sorrow take over, I am continuously reminded to choose joy! To be filled with joy! To let joy radiate any sadness and heartbreak. I'm literally choosing JOY and because of you, JOY fills me - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I will remember you every time your sister's name is spoken and I will forever carry you....if not in my womb, then in my heart. 

Happy birth month baby December. I'll always wonder who you would have been.